Feeling alone – comfort zone

Some days or moments I feel great, like “yes, I can do this, I’m ok” and then sometimes I have to fight not to give up. But it’s a constant feeling of inner loneliness that I have to fight and I have to hold back my tears and swallow the lump in my throat and function. I remember after I had a bunch of kids already, I met someone on the bus with my kids. She told me that she always thought I had one baby and just spent the day powdering her and relaxing. If she only knew. She thought i was the most together and calm person. I have to fight my inner pain and loneliness everyday. My voices that tell me I’m not good enough or my fear of life and people can be overwhelming. Because I come across together and confident people think that I’m okay and that I am set up. But all I want is connection. But I’m so scared of it as well. I’m so strong about feeling the fear and doing it anyway and going out my comfort zone but I think one isn’t meant to be constantly out of their comfort zone. Maybe the loneliness is from a child that had to mother herself and mother her mother from a young age. Am I always going to feel like a scared lonely child just needing to be nurtured. While I’m mothering and nurturing my children, I’m mothering and nurturing my inner child too. But its just so lonely to always have to generate it myself but I know that no one can save me. I hope that I can find like minded people who can understand my pain. I think thats so important as part of ones healing and inner functioning. Just knowing that I’m not alone in this struggle can make all the difference.

Its amazing how one can be so high functioning on the outside and do all the daily things that have to be done and feel so broken and lonely inside at the same time while intellectually knowing and understanding whats going on in themselves. Is it a contradiction or just fighting to survive or really understanding oneself on a deep inner level.

I hope these blogs aren’t too heavy. It definitely helps to think out loud and share my thoughts and daily inner struggles. I’d like to sit and justify that I do smile and try to be positive but I’m not going to. Because thats one of my biggest things that I’m working on, having permission to feel and not having to justify that I’m ok and apologizing for my existence, or feeling like I’ve done something wrong for writing these blogs.

Anyway I hope whoever reads this has a good day. Be in the moment, you’re ok!!!!


Ive worked my whole life so far not to be a taker, and in doing so, i dont know how to receive. Ive understood that receiving is a form of giving and that in order for there to be a giver, there has to be a receiver.

Ive formed a barrier around me of being self sufficient, never putting myself in a position of needing or taking. And i think in doing so it has prevented me from making friends. It has made me very lonely and isolated.

Ive tried so hard not to be needy that its made me more needy and craving connection. Everyone thinks im fine, that i can manage, do it all, juggle it all, that i dont need. So they dont give and i dont just mean materially, i mean emotionally as well.

It comes back to what i mentioned in a previous blog of ego, or false humility. I think this not wanting to take might also be on the other side of ego, false humility. I am so apologetic for my existance that i say no to people wanting to give. They think therefore that i dont need. So they dont give. I dont get the connection and then im left feeling upset and rejected. I think it might be that i was really the one that rejected and prevented conection by not wanting to receive because i thought it was taking.

I come from a parent who only knows how to take. I wanted to be so far away from that, that noone should ever think that im like that in any way. But ive trampled on myself in the process.

I have in my head that if i take then im being needy and i grew up not being allowed to have my own needs. There was no such thing as having my own needs as I had to live for my mothers needs. It wasnt something that was said outright. It was something that i learnt very quick as a way of survival. It is only more recent and I’m already married with teenage kids that I’m allowing myself to have needs and that its ok to have them.

Im still at the point of trying to justify that i have a need or preference. And i mean even small things like preferring one supermarket to the other, to bigger things of understanding myself, what triggers me and how i work. I really have to in a sense fight for it.

The strange thing is that I’ve always been so aware of myself from such a young age and understood that this wasn’t a healthy situation. I had to survive emotional abuse and instability which translated in doing whatever i could to keep things calm and functional. Therefore having my own needs was taking and being selfish, in my mothers eyes. I’ve understood now that having a need is normal, that knowing who you are and what triggers you, etc and being aware of what you need is ok.

I think my being apologetic of my existence and not ever wanting to take up space or impose myself on anyone is a result of my childhood of having to forgo my needs and self for my mothers. Which also translated to doing that for everyone else. People pleasing. ( because if i didnt the reaction would be severe)

Im so tired and drained from always trying to please. From always trying to pre think what the person wants me to say, do or how to behave. Its impossible to please everyone all the time. I know people pleasing is another topic but it feels so connected. Because if I am stronger in who I am and have a healthier pattern of taking giving and receiving and having needs and wants and fulfilling them in a healthy way, then naturally i won’t feel like i constantly have to do all this pre thinking and pleasing- controlling.

And having the understanding that I can’t control or affect other peoples reactions or thoughts or behaviors. And im not a little child anymore who needs to survive a parents wrath. I am a person, adult in my own right.

Its crazy how writing these blogs, I have to work so hard not thinking im being selfish or wrong. I am worthy of goodness, self love and love from others.

These blogs are a way of me allowing myself to be needy and vulnerable and find connection with like minded people.

Thanks for reading till the end and being part of my journey. Have an amazingly special day. Lots of love

Self doubt- Am I replaceable?

My head spins from my constant self doubt making me dizzy with my stomach going into a knot. Someone told me its ego. I always thought ego is arrogance and being full of oneself, being self absorbed and thinking you’re the best. I always thought of myself as the opposite of that. So humble and not wanting to take up any space. I wonder if my self doubt is my own doubts or my mind making up stories of what people could say. Like ‘who do you think you are’. Or is that a voice trying to prevent me from becoming who I’m meant to be.

Im trying to really internalize that not everyone has to like me or connect to me. That its ok to have my own needs or preferences and not everyone has to agree. That doesnt make me less or not good enough. And I can be good at what I do, even if someone else is good too. Their goodness or abilities dont take away from my goodness or abilities or even likeability.

I have to send a replacement for my exercise classes for a week. And so my stomach goes into a knot. First to call other instructors which is a whole other topic. I get scared to make these kind of phonecalls. Even to call a babysitter. As if their saying no is a personal rejection.

The second is my fear of being replaceable. What if they like the other instructor better than me. Is that ego? Why shouldn’t the class and the replacement have a good experience. Why should their good experience take away from my feeling of worth and goodness.

Its as if I need the whole worlds approval to believe I’m ok. That if even one person doesn’t approve then it means that ‘I am not ok’. And all these thoughts can ruin ones day making a person walk around in a daze of self pity. Maybe it is ego, just the other side of it. Or maybe its a fear of a child that had to grow up too quick and is still looking at the world as a scared child needing to be an adult when you’re already an adult.

And maybe this humility I think I have is not real humility. I think real humility is knowing your strengths and using them. Having the balance and alignment of knowing who you are and what you have to offer while knowing they are gifts to look after and not use to trample on other people. Of knowing and understanding that you have your unique place in the world as does everyone else and apologizing for ones existence and feeling unworthy is not humility, its self destruction.

There’s space and place for everyone in this life. One can respect boundaries and space which I think is real humility versus apologizing for your existence which I think is false humility.

I don’t have the answers. But thinking out loud gives clarity. The thought of someone reading this and thinking “oh my gosh, I so relate”, is comforting. If you got to this point, thanks for reading. And yes, you are worthy! Know it, feel it, breathe it.

Confidence and self love?

I am such an over thinker. I overthink and analyze pretty much everything in my life. So im using this blog as a forum or platform to think out loud in hope that it might validate even one person in their life as well as creating some sort of support network of sharing and caring. I can only speak for myself now but im assuming that im not the only one who can feel so alone in my daily thoughts, experiences and struggles, craving reassurance and validation.

Dont get me wrong, I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. I have already realised that only I can save me. But i honestly believe that through sharing one can find likeminded people to help one on their journey.

Just so you get a picture, Im happily married with a nice ammount of children. I work as a fitness instructer. I can have everyone clapping after my classes with only positive feedback how my clients leave with more energy and it gives them strength to deal with everything in their day, yet I can still leave feeling empty and not good enough.

I always find this inner contradiction that i have so interesting. And im still constantly trying to get to the inner core of it. Its amazing how i can know pretty much all my strengths. I can tell them to you with clarity, yet i feel inferior to everyone, apologetic for my existence and scared like a little child navigating her way. It doesnt matter how many compliments i get, its as if i have little soldiers pushing them away, not allowing them to go inside.

Ive definitely improved. Ive come a long way. I will feel the fear and do it anyway. Go out of my comfort zone. Even as a fitness instructer (and one day i will tell you how i got into being one), im going out of my comfort zone every time i teach. I stand in front of a class. They all think im the most confident, happy person. They imagine me dancing around my house all day. I give them energy. Yet i struggle with feeling good enough. And it makes me think, maybe i really am confident. Maybe the other things are just negative voices. Not who I really am. Just voices from an unstable childhood. Not having the backbone of children from stable and functional homes.

I could honestly talk about this all day. This is really just an intro. My life has definitely been a journey which will get into throughout my blogs. I just needed to start somewhere otherwise im just going to keep on pushing it off.

Even writing all this is out of my comfort zone. It feels so exposing. But I believe being vulnerable is the only way to self discovery and growth and hopefully self love. Whoever reads this, feel good, have an amazing day and remember to smile to at least one person today, maybe even give a compliment.