I am such an over thinker. I overthink and analyze pretty much everything in my life. So im using this blog as a forum or platform to think out loud in hope that it might validate even one person in their life as well as creating some sort of support network of sharing and caring. I can only speak for myself now but im assuming that im not the only one who can feel so alone in my daily thoughts, experiences and struggles, craving reassurance and validation.
Dont get me wrong, I know that I am responsible for my own happiness. I have already realised that only I can save me. But i honestly believe that through sharing one can find likeminded people to help one on their journey.
Just so you get a picture, Im happily married with a nice ammount of children. I work as a fitness instructer. I can have everyone clapping after my classes with only positive feedback how my clients leave with more energy and it gives them strength to deal with everything in their day, yet I can still leave feeling empty and not good enough.
I always find this inner contradiction that i have so interesting. And im still constantly trying to get to the inner core of it. Its amazing how i can know pretty much all my strengths. I can tell them to you with clarity, yet i feel inferior to everyone, apologetic for my existence and scared like a little child navigating her way. It doesnt matter how many compliments i get, its as if i have little soldiers pushing them away, not allowing them to go inside.
Ive definitely improved. Ive come a long way. I will feel the fear and do it anyway. Go out of my comfort zone. Even as a fitness instructer (and one day i will tell you how i got into being one), im going out of my comfort zone every time i teach. I stand in front of a class. They all think im the most confident, happy person. They imagine me dancing around my house all day. I give them energy. Yet i struggle with feeling good enough. And it makes me think, maybe i really am confident. Maybe the other things are just negative voices. Not who I really am. Just voices from an unstable childhood. Not having the backbone of children from stable and functional homes.
I could honestly talk about this all day. This is really just an intro. My life has definitely been a journey which will get into throughout my blogs. I just needed to start somewhere otherwise im just going to keep on pushing it off.
Even writing all this is out of my comfort zone. It feels so exposing. But I believe being vulnerable is the only way to self discovery and growth and hopefully self love. Whoever reads this, feel good, have an amazing day and remember to smile to at least one person today, maybe even give a compliment.