My head spins from my constant self doubt making me dizzy with my stomach going into a knot. Someone told me its ego. I always thought ego is arrogance and being full of oneself, being self absorbed and thinking you’re the best. I always thought of myself as the opposite of that. So humble and not wanting to take up any space. I wonder if my self doubt is my own doubts or my mind making up stories of what people could say. Like ‘who do you think you are’. Or is that a voice trying to prevent me from becoming who I’m meant to be.
Im trying to really internalize that not everyone has to like me or connect to me. That its ok to have my own needs or preferences and not everyone has to agree. That doesnt make me less or not good enough. And I can be good at what I do, even if someone else is good too. Their goodness or abilities dont take away from my goodness or abilities or even likeability.
I have to send a replacement for my exercise classes for a week. And so my stomach goes into a knot. First to call other instructors which is a whole other topic. I get scared to make these kind of phonecalls. Even to call a babysitter. As if their saying no is a personal rejection.
The second is my fear of being replaceable. What if they like the other instructor better than me. Is that ego? Why shouldn’t the class and the replacement have a good experience. Why should their good experience take away from my feeling of worth and goodness.
Its as if I need the whole worlds approval to believe I’m ok. That if even one person doesn’t approve then it means that ‘I am not ok’. And all these thoughts can ruin ones day making a person walk around in a daze of self pity. Maybe it is ego, just the other side of it. Or maybe its a fear of a child that had to grow up too quick and is still looking at the world as a scared child needing to be an adult when you’re already an adult.
And maybe this humility I think I have is not real humility. I think real humility is knowing your strengths and using them. Having the balance and alignment of knowing who you are and what you have to offer while knowing they are gifts to look after and not use to trample on other people. Of knowing and understanding that you have your unique place in the world as does everyone else and apologizing for ones existence and feeling unworthy is not humility, its self destruction.
There’s space and place for everyone in this life. One can respect boundaries and space which I think is real humility versus apologizing for your existence which I think is false humility.
I don’t have the answers. But thinking out loud gives clarity. The thought of someone reading this and thinking “oh my gosh, I so relate”, is comforting. If you got to this point, thanks for reading. And yes, you are worthy! Know it, feel it, breathe it.