Ive worked my whole life so far not to be a taker, and in doing so, i dont know how to receive. Ive understood that receiving is a form of giving and that in order for there to be a giver, there has to be a receiver.
Ive formed a barrier around me of being self sufficient, never putting myself in a position of needing or taking. And i think in doing so it has prevented me from making friends. It has made me very lonely and isolated.
Ive tried so hard not to be needy that its made me more needy and craving connection. Everyone thinks im fine, that i can manage, do it all, juggle it all, that i dont need. So they dont give and i dont just mean materially, i mean emotionally as well.
It comes back to what i mentioned in a previous blog of ego, or false humility. I think this not wanting to take might also be on the other side of ego, false humility. I am so apologetic for my existance that i say no to people wanting to give. They think therefore that i dont need. So they dont give. I dont get the connection and then im left feeling upset and rejected. I think it might be that i was really the one that rejected and prevented conection by not wanting to receive because i thought it was taking.
I come from a parent who only knows how to take. I wanted to be so far away from that, that noone should ever think that im like that in any way. But ive trampled on myself in the process.
I have in my head that if i take then im being needy and i grew up not being allowed to have my own needs. There was no such thing as having my own needs as I had to live for my mothers needs. It wasnt something that was said outright. It was something that i learnt very quick as a way of survival. It is only more recent and I’m already married with teenage kids that I’m allowing myself to have needs and that its ok to have them.
Im still at the point of trying to justify that i have a need or preference. And i mean even small things like preferring one supermarket to the other, to bigger things of understanding myself, what triggers me and how i work. I really have to in a sense fight for it.
The strange thing is that I’ve always been so aware of myself from such a young age and understood that this wasn’t a healthy situation. I had to survive emotional abuse and instability which translated in doing whatever i could to keep things calm and functional. Therefore having my own needs was taking and being selfish, in my mothers eyes. I’ve understood now that having a need is normal, that knowing who you are and what triggers you, etc and being aware of what you need is ok.
I think my being apologetic of my existence and not ever wanting to take up space or impose myself on anyone is a result of my childhood of having to forgo my needs and self for my mothers. Which also translated to doing that for everyone else. People pleasing. ( because if i didnt the reaction would be severe)
Im so tired and drained from always trying to please. From always trying to pre think what the person wants me to say, do or how to behave. Its impossible to please everyone all the time. I know people pleasing is another topic but it feels so connected. Because if I am stronger in who I am and have a healthier pattern of taking giving and receiving and having needs and wants and fulfilling them in a healthy way, then naturally i won’t feel like i constantly have to do all this pre thinking and pleasing- controlling.
And having the understanding that I can’t control or affect other peoples reactions or thoughts or behaviors. And im not a little child anymore who needs to survive a parents wrath. I am a person, adult in my own right.
Its crazy how writing these blogs, I have to work so hard not thinking im being selfish or wrong. I am worthy of goodness, self love and love from others.
These blogs are a way of me allowing myself to be needy and vulnerable and find connection with like minded people.
Thanks for reading till the end and being part of my journey. Have an amazingly special day. Lots of love