Feeling alone – comfort zone

Some days or moments I feel great, like “yes, I can do this, I’m ok” and then sometimes I have to fight not to give up. But it’s a constant feeling of inner loneliness that I have to fight and I have to hold back my tears and swallow the lump in my throat and function. I remember after I had a bunch of kids already, I met someone on the bus with my kids. She told me that she always thought I had one baby and just spent the day powdering her and relaxing. If she only knew. She thought i was the most together and calm person. I have to fight my inner pain and loneliness everyday. My voices that tell me I’m not good enough or my fear of life and people can be overwhelming. Because I come across together and confident people think that I’m okay and that I am set up. But all I want is connection. But I’m so scared of it as well. I’m so strong about feeling the fear and doing it anyway and going out my comfort zone but I think one isn’t meant to be constantly out of their comfort zone. Maybe the loneliness is from a child that had to mother herself and mother her mother from a young age. Am I always going to feel like a scared lonely child just needing to be nurtured. While I’m mothering and nurturing my children, I’m mothering and nurturing my inner child too. But its just so lonely to always have to generate it myself but I know that no one can save me. I hope that I can find like minded people who can understand my pain. I think thats so important as part of ones healing and inner functioning. Just knowing that I’m not alone in this struggle can make all the difference.

Its amazing how one can be so high functioning on the outside and do all the daily things that have to be done and feel so broken and lonely inside at the same time while intellectually knowing and understanding whats going on in themselves. Is it a contradiction or just fighting to survive or really understanding oneself on a deep inner level.

I hope these blogs aren’t too heavy. It definitely helps to think out loud and share my thoughts and daily inner struggles. I’d like to sit and justify that I do smile and try to be positive but I’m not going to. Because thats one of my biggest things that I’m working on, having permission to feel and not having to justify that I’m ok and apologizing for my existence, or feeling like I’ve done something wrong for writing these blogs.

Anyway I hope whoever reads this has a good day. Be in the moment, you’re ok!!!!

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